Moontaku
2021
Dec
7

Yes, Master Chief's suit does jerk him off.

Yes, Master Chief's suit does jerk him off.

The little known news source Kotaku (Dumb name for a news outlet if I do say so myself) recently published a controversial and largely incorrect article, describing that Master Chiefs suit does not jerk him off.

Their logic is that they are not dumb and their opinions are correct, but in the end it boils down to opinions being simple opinions, not facts. We here at Moontaku exclusively provide objective opinions.

Evidence #1

It was first assumed that this visual glitch was a floating point precision error on the GPU, but upon closer inspection this appears to be an artistic decision to show how much energy he has in his hands from not having to jack himself off.

Evidence #2

The obvious truths, asking ourselves the obvious questions were quite revealing about the situation.

"I mean Master Chief doesn't even know what sex is, there's no logical alternative to this conclusion. He can't focus on speedwalking, twerking over dead bodies, and screaming racial slurs into his xbox 360 microphone if he has to constantly worry about jerking off as well."

His suit also constantly edges him to keep him at a heightened state of awareness. It's not easy being a spartan super solder, and this is how he's able to keep going through his entire space crusade. We'll start seeing humans soon in IRL life with similar physical abilities once we have AI powerful enough to maintain that state for ourselves.

Evidence #3

As our final resort, since the internet is a complicated series of tubes, and since we were in search of a particular liquid, we hired a plumber.

Our plumber was able to narrow down our search to his cousin named John Halo, who happens to claim to be the director of the Halo series.

"Hi, my name is John Halo and I'm the director for the Halo series. [...] And yes, in short his suit does jerk him off"
- John Halo

Master Chiefs armor is a highly sophisticated piece of equipment, it's designed to minimize waste and keep him up and running for a long period of time. Not only does his suit jerk him off, but the resulting liquid is recycled into water, which he then eats/drinks.


Written by:
Respected Games Journalist
Respected Games Journalist
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